I’ve had this week circled on my calendar for so long it doesn’t seem possible it is finally here. I also can’t believe how swiftly time has gone to get me to this point. My brain is swirling, my fear is pretty high and I’m creating a lot of stress for myself. Life has been rough lately, mostly of my own doing. I’ve had some training setbacks and they have left me wondering if I’m ready for this day to be here? Even through all this fear, stress and questioning, I somehow manage to be confident I can do this! Sadly, my confidence is also making me stress because now maybe I’m too confident and I haven’t taken this serious enough? See what the brain can do during race week? Lets dig in and look at whats going on.
I hit the high point in training way back on May 3rd when I finished the Frederick Half-marathon again. Race day was rather uneventful and its been a really nice confidence booster, especially after riding 40 miles with big climbs the day before and a 5k race the evening before. Unfortunately, thats when everything turned to shit! I was off from training the monday and tuesday after the half marathon. Recovery time before the final push to Raleigh. Wednesday I went to the doctor to have an “odd,” mole re-checked. The mole had grown over 2mm in just 5 weeks! We made the quick decision to biopsy and try to get most of it off/out. Unfortunately, the procedure meant I’d need to either be 1.) stitched shut or 2.) minimally closed and left to heal on its own. Once I found out stitches got me back to training faster, thats what I chose. Unfortunately, I was still sidelined for 14 days thanks to the stitches. I wasn’t allowed in the water until last week and I’m not allowed to swim open water until tomorrow. After finding out the biopsy came back as cancerous, a smaller procedure was needed to make sure all my margins were clean and everything was good. Hello a few more days off from training. While its nice to know I have a 99% chance I’m going to be ok, I’ll live unaffected and everything is going to be fine, the lack of training has done nothing for my confidence. I have barely swam this month! Tomorrow I’ll swim open water but it seems like too little, too late to be of anything other than a stretch out and to make sure my wetsuit is good to go.
The main concern with my stitches and sweating was infection, followed closely by my doctor’s fear my training may limit how the stitches closed the wound if jostled. Thus, my time not running or riding either. The lack of running doesn’t seem to have caused much trouble. I went out this past thursday and ran 8 miles on hilly ground with relative ease. The bike, well, the bike is always the bike with me. We know its my least favorite discipline in triathlon. I hate to climb, my ass gets really tired of being on the seat and really it just gets boring to me. I prefer the swim and the run. I already know next offseason I REALLY need to work on my biking and try to enjoy it more. Anyway, I think I’ll be fine. I’ve got the shiv and its decked out to race. I won’t be going fast in this one, I’m just trying to finish and move on to Placid with confidence.
I’m honestly concerned to be traveling to this race, alone, at this point. Initially, my mom was going with me. Unfortunately, she bailed on me a few weeks ago. She has important business that arose and she can’t go away for the weekend. Enter, hmmmm. Um, my, hmmm. Do you have that single person in your life that defies your ability to accurately describe them? They kind of transcend terms, they make words seem generic when you try to find one that fits. You know, that person who is kind of like the peanut butter to your jelly or in our terms, the vodka to your soda? Well, she was going with me! All was right and well in the world, sunshine had rainbows and butterflies were busy spreading glitter through my life. Water tasted like the dew off new born unicorns and my life has been flooded with kittens. We were going to have a fun weekend away capped off with the race! Until, I had to be me and act like an asshole. I’m the quintessential king of self sabotage. I’m the guy who can’t leave well enough alone. My own happiness must make some part of my brain go limp with fear, thats when life is right for me to fuck up something really good. In true to form fashion I implemented my scorched earth policy and burned through everything good I had in life last week. One of these days I’ll let my insecurities stop running my mouth, sadly it wasn’t in time to save this. I’m laying in the bed I created and it feels uncomfortable. Truth, I almost quit and just said “fuck it,” Friday. I’d lost my motivation to train, I had no worldly or personal desire to race. I was finished, done and bailing on myself for a few months in order to regroup. Thankfully I have a few really good friends who care about me. My friends drug me up from the wallowing floor of my own life and made me see I’ll hate myself forever if I quit now. I don’t want to do this without my support system but if I have too, I will.
The last few days I’ve got in good training. Maybe I’m stupid but I’m confident I can do this. I’ve always been one to show up on game day. I’d love to be able to look back on the last few weeks and know I’m ready as opposed to wondering if my lack of training will come as a harsh reality? I’m nervous, I’m not trained to where I want to be and I’m petrified. I’m loathing myself for taking my own shit out on someone so important to me. I’m scared to travel alone, not because I need someone but because I wanted us to celebrate my triumph together. My accomplishment will be great but I’ll know in my mind it could have meant so much more.
Like always thank you for reading! I’ll write again this week, something more specific to my approach and process leading up to the race this week. Right now, I just really had to get this stuff off my chest, be human and show that everything leading up to a big race isn’t always smiles and puppies. I hope by writing and putting all this out into the world my brain can somehow gain a little traction and stop spiraling out of control. I need to quiet this noise.
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